I was laid off from my job yesterday.  My position was cut, or so they say.

After a crappy night of sleep, I was up at 6am.  Experiencing the classic symptoms of bad news - denial, anger, depression, bargaining (what ifs?).  I know that from a contractual standpoint, I was a great employee - I did more than the required home visits, I updated ATLAS thoroughly (there were even emails sent out listing all the times we had updated lesson plans and I was by far tops among the staff - and comparing lesson plans I can see just how more thorough mine were), I was always on time to school.. I regularly worked late just so I could get everything done. I could go on and on...

 And it hurts being such a self-deprecating person:   "At the bottom line, did they think I was a bad teacher?"  At the meeting there was no, "You're a great teacher, but the budget requires blah blah blah."  No positive remarks at all.  It was rather cold and callous, and all I was told is that I am an At-Will Employee, that they don't have to give me a reason for letting me go (when I asked "Why me?", when there are other social studies teachers with less experience/education staying).   But their comments aren't what matter.  I didn't teach for them, I taught for my students.  I had several students tell me this year - some of whom other teachers had said that they couldn't learn or needed to be tested - when they got the highest scores on tests that they had ever had, they told me that they liked the way I taught, because I actually taught so they could learn. I've had parents who I've heard other teachers label as difficult or impossible to deal with basically thank me for being me and not writing their child off because of past incidents.  When my students said to me this week, "See you next year!" and my uncertain reply was "I hope so, but I don't know," they cheerfully responded that of course I'd be back - I was one of the good teachers.  So even though I didn't sleep well last night as the news sank in, I know that I can sleep comfortably knowing that I am an excellent teacher, I have made an impact in the lives of so many students, that I have done what I sought out to do, and that this bump in the road financially is just going to propel me into better and greater things.

I was born to be a teacher.  Early in my college career, I took the Myers-Briggs assessment test and sure enough, I was an ENFJ: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ENFJ  The teacher: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teacher_(Role_Variant)

I honestly cannot imagine doing anything else as a career.  Its not just a job, but a vocation for me. Its a calling. I can get over the anger, the bitterness, the resentment.  But what hurts the most is that they did not even give me a chance to say goodbye to my students.  They waited til school was out, and even most of the teachers were gone to let me know.  My kids from this year will be seniors next year.  I won't get to help them as I have with past students with their college choices, I won't get to write them letters of recommendation, I won't get to see them go to Prom or to walk across the stage at graduation.  I sit here and think of my students from the past year and it hurts that I know so many of them valued me as their teacher, they really appreciated the time and effort that I dedicated to them.  They appreciated me, and I appreciated the chance to be their teacher.

With a master's degree in history, I'm not an expert in the field, but to the student I was.  I've had freshmen surprised by the fact that I could answer any of their questions about history, even stuff I wasn't even teaching (I guess their previous teachers weren't so knowledgeable).  And if my student's final exams were any indication, they really did learn the content.  But teaching has been about so more than just are they learning history.  Education is more than just facts and knowledge, but about helping students grow and develop into adults, into good citizens, into good people. Its funny that my school has had classes in "character education" and "moral health", but I believe that the best way to teach children the morals and character you want them to develop is through example.  And I have tried, best I can, to be a great example for them.  By treating them with respect and dignity.  By responding to discipline issues with a calm, caring demeanor, rather than just yelling or kicking them out.  "Shut up," was not allowed in my classroom, I never used it to get them quiet.  I didn't try to be their friends, but I tried to mentor and provide guidance as best I could.  Its hard to explain, but there's so many little things that I've done over the years, that made such a huge difference in their lives.  Little jokes and words of comfort.  Routines that were comfortable and not obtrusive.  An open door at the end of the school day or at lunch.

 It baffles me that a school that promotes itself so much as a "School of Excellence" (something I helped them achieve) would not value all that I have done for them, and would "thank me" for 11 years of service like this.  Maybe its because I've never been a self-promoting person.  I don't walk around the school as if I am God's gift to the teaching world.  I'm not reaching out for recognition for accomplishments.  Maybe I should have promoted myself more.  The school is big on appearances.  But in 11 years, I never helped get the school on the news in the morning.  I'm not a coach, no recognition for sports victories.  I just worked hard to give my students the best education I could give them.  Perhaps it is just that I had too many years experience.  It was 11 years ago - about a month and half before I interviewed with my school - when my Dad lost his job after 16 years on a Friday in June for having too much experience.  There are those that say, "treat it like a business" when it comes to schools, and essentially, that is what charter schools are all about.  Its a business, its about the bottom line.  But I really want to ask parents this:  Would you fly on an airline that eliminates the pilots with the most experience and education?  Would you want to go to a hospital that lays off the doctors with more than 10 years experience?  Would you want your community policed only by rookie cops and firefighters?  

Second Third...

Not too long ago, I stepped on the scale for the first time in a week or two. I am officially at my highest weight ever. I couldn't be happier about it.

Friday I officially hit the big 13 week mark - the start of the second trimester of pregnancy. Every ounce I gain is another reminder of the baby growing inside me. It reassures me that the baby is growing healthy and strong.

Pregnancy is not easy.. but (based on my experience so far) it is an amazing and beautiful journey. The way it changes a woman's body is both terrifying and exhilarating.

I thought that while the laundry was churning away downstairs I'd take a few minutes and write down my thoughts on this whole adventure so far.

We (err, I, but my husband is very much an active player in this whole process, so I'm gonna use we when appropriate).. we took the first pregnancy test on Monday January 30. I couldn't believe it when two little pink lines appeared. Such in disbelief, I took another test a day later, just to be sure. Two pink lines. *Insert panic fear excitement bewilderment etc. etc.*

Going into marriage, my husband and I adopted a "Lost-ian" "Whatever Happens, Happens" approach to having children. If God intends us to, we will, and if not, that's ok too. When suddenly those two pink lines appear on a $10.99 pregnancy test from Giant Eagle, all of a sudden this approach makes you question God and say, "Um, right now? Do you really think we can afford it, God? Do you really think we are ready?" Insert prayers to assorted saints for health, wealth, sanity, patience, etc.

The night of the second pregnancy test, I started to have some issues and it was unsure if I were miscarrying or not. In fact, I started to search the internet for diseases that might trigger a positive pregnancy test when there isn't really one... (there are some, they aren't good ones).. Thus, the first time I met with my doctor was for blood tests to see if I were pregnant, and if I was miscarrying (insert prayers to St. Catherine of Sienna against miscarriage). Agonizing wait over the weekend (and my nephew's baptism) for the results. When I got the call from the doctor that the blood tests came out fine - and that I could come in for an ultrasound, I was relieved, excited, and of course, more anxious.

That Thursday we met our baby for the first time - 6 weeks, 6 days old - and heard baby's heartbeat for the first time. It was at that point we finally felt comfortable telling some close family and friends.

The first trimester sucks. Plain and simple. Morning sickness is an all day thing, but thankfully I figured out pretty quickly what makes me sick, and how to avoid it. My main enemy seems to be milk, which is sad, because I've always been an avid milk drinker. Early mornings and late at night have been the worst, but as long as I have food at regular intervals, I've been ok during the day.

The fatigue. Ugh. I became a fan of American Idol this season because weeknights all I'd have energy for it to fall asleep on the couch during it. After working on my feet all day at school, I've had no energy for exercise. I've had to turn down social engagements because of food sensitivities and not wanting to have to explain why I'm not drinking (insert "giving up alcohol for Lent").

My husband has been great. Doing the bulk of the house cleaning. Cooking dinner when I haven't had the energy to. Hearing me complain for the 50th time about being hungry, sick, tired, or having to hit the ladies room...

We heard the baby's heartbeat a second time on March 9. Two more weeks til we go back to the doctor and I cannot wait. Of course, the anxiety has not gone away, I want the baby to be healthy (insert prayers to St. Gerard Majella.) I am impatiently awaiting our next ultrasound, probably sometime in May.. I want to see our baby again!

One thing that doesn't scare me is the weight gain, in fact, I am almost obsessively staring at the mirror looking for signs of a baby bump!

Its been wonderful so far to have the love, support, and advice of so many friends and family members. Although not everyone gets it... lol.. recently while discussing with those who have had children about the weight they lost in the first trimester, someone else (no children) commented about how much weight she lost with weight watchers and how happy she is having lost it.. I just kinda had to shake my head in confusion, like, um, thanks for sharing, but that's not what we were talking about. Of course, this same person also when discussing 1st semester problems gleefully said how she was happy she'd never have to go through any of that. Times like that, the lack of empathy of others can be hard; I just have to remind myself how much love and support I have received so far. Pregnancy hormones can definitely do funny things to you and the support of those who love you is so essential. Its nice to know so many new moms full of sympathy, suggestions, and of course, cute baby photos on facebook that I look forward to posting someday too! It is amazing how useful facebook can be as an education tool to see how people with kids of all ages deal with problems (I think of it as troubleshooting advice, lol).

Well the laundry needs to be put in the dryer now, so that's that for today. Hopefully the next time I post I'll have more fun baby news!