Myself included.
There are so many decisions to make in motherhood. Diapers, feeding, bed, schedules, etc. And with each decision you enter a group of mommies that also chose the same choice. At the same time, you are pitting yourself against the women who made the opposite choice. Then the battle begins, the smugness, the self-righteousness, the gloating, the hiding-the-times-where-you-feel-like-you-made-the-wrong-decision.
Now before I became a mom, I told myself, I would never be one of those judgmental moms that assumed I knew what was best, not just for my baby, but for all babies. Each mom should choose what is best for her and her baby. Hahaha. That was before I knew just how much you are judged for each and every decision, especially if one choice usually goes along with other choices, but you went the other way on those decisions.
I'm gonna examine some of my decisions one by one...
Choice 1: Natural birth or use pain-medicine.
This one was a pretty easy decision. I knew based on watching and hearing other people giving birth that I would want painkillers. I don't need to be a martyr, and my threshold for pain is pretty low. I was already begging for an epidural while dilated only 3cm. But that might be because I was having complications (infection) without realizing it. In the end, it didn't really matter, right after getting the epidural, and settling in for the rest of the labor, the doctor decided I needed an immediate c-section.
As far as other moms, do what is medically best for your baby. But please, don't schedule a c-section 3 weeks before your due date because it is most convenient to you, or you want to have your son born on someone famous's birthday or some, "not putting my child" first reason. Babies are healthiest when born at full term - that is, 39 or 40 weeks!
Choice 2: Breast-feeding or formula.
This one was also an easy decision. The more I read about the benefits of breast-feeding, the more I wanted to do it. My sister-in-law has breast-fed all of her children, and I think that inspired me to at least try. I was anxious though, going into motherhood, on whether or not I would have problems. I guess problems are actually pretty rare once your milk comes in and the baby has a good latch, but getting to that point can be incredibly difficult, especially if your milk is delayed. I had friends that used formula for various reasons - breastfeeding caused health problems for them, they had medicines that they had to take that were not safe for breast-feeding, or they used formula to supplement to help with poor feeding or low weight babies. So I went into motherhood wanting to breastfeed (healthier for baby and a whole lot cheaper!), but almost expecting to have troubles and need formula (cause that would be my luck).
I still get sad sometimes when I remember that I didn't get to hold Alissa for several hours after she was born. No immediate skin-to-skin contact. No attempt to breastfeed. When I went to visit her that first evening, the doctor or nurse told me to not stay long, I needed my rest, so when the NICU nurse asked if I wanted to try to breastfeed, I declined, and said I would come back in the morning. The next morning, I got a phone call around 9am, I believe, to come soon to feed or else they would supplement with formula. So as soon as I could get the wheelchair and walk myself to the NICU (with Matt's help), I got there.
Oh my gosh it was difficult. Not at all like the natural, easy latch that they showed in the breastfeeding class. The lactation consultant was very helpful, as was the NICU nurses. Alissa would fall asleep a lot while feeding, and end up doing what they called "sleep-sucking" (or using Mommy as a pacifier in a sense). I didn't realize this at first, and so I'd spend long, extended, exhausting periods with her at my breast, thinking she was getting food (tiny bits of colostrum), but really not getting a lot.
And my milk came in late. Day 5 or 6 it was finally here. But especially the first couple days home, with my milk not in yet, was so hard. Alissa wasn't happy. Her first appt. with the doctor she had lost too much of her birth weight and still had none of the BMs she was supposed to get. But then, miraculously, my milk came in, she pooped 6 times in one day, and from then on things went pretty well. Yay! Sure, it's been hard when out in public and no where to feed (thanks, Art Museum, I mean no thanks for no areas besides a bathroom... at least the Zoo has comfy chairs available in their family restrooms...)
Breastfeeding is difficult, but it's doable. I know two people who have had to do nothing but pump to give their babies breastmilk. I know those who have had to nurse, then pump, just to get enough supply. Sure, the first few weeks are rough, but it's not something I would give up or supplement just for my own convenience.
Choice 3: Cloth or Disposable Diapers
I'm not gonna belabor this one. A life-long self-proclaimed environmentalist, tree hugger, etc., but I willingly and readily became an eco-terrorist by not even attempting cloth diapers and going straight on the Pampers Swaddlers. We now use Baby-Dry. But I love disposables. And I don't intend to switch anytime soon.
Choice 4: Where will Baby Sleep?
I never thought about co-sleeping. We got a cradle handed down to us, from my parents, to my brother, to my sister, then to me to use for Alissa. That didn't last long, as she didn't sleep well in it, and I was nervous about her head getting stuck in the not-up-to-current-safety-standard slots. Plus, where the cradle was in our bedroom, it seemed so far away. In retrospect, one of the bassinets or those attachments to put right next to the bed would have been nice, but it was hard enough for me to get in and out of bed while recovering from the surgery, that it wouldn't have been practical. Plus, sleeping on my side was out of question, so it wouldn't have helped with the middle of the night feedings anyhow.
For two weeks or so, we had her sleep in her bouncer, and she would sleep 2-3 hours at a time. Then, following advice from my sister, we invested in a Fisher Price Rock n Play. What a difference that made! We could use it to rock her to sleep if needed. It kept her snug, head-elevated, and was small enough to keep closer to our bed. She began to sleep in longer 3-4 hour stretches, til about 5-6 weeks when she began to sleep for her first 5-6 hour stretches. Honestly, they say that up until 5-6 months, 5-6 hour stretches of sleep IS considered sleeping through the night.
This might sound kind of perplexing, but it is really a better thing for babies to wake during the night. First, in the early months, they wake because they are hungry, and breastfed babies wake more frequently because naturally, they digest Mommy's milk more efficiently than they would formula. They wake for all sorts of reasons, but it is a natural defense against SIDS, and so I'm glad she woke frequently. To me, that's a sign of a healthy baby. I am amazed by moms of 6 weeks olds or whatever gloating about how their baby slept 12 hours or something like that, and I'm thinking, that poor baby went all that time without food, or a diaper change, or comfort? That's just not natural, in my opinion.
I got quite attached to having Alissa in our room. It was easier, especially with the complications of my c-section not healing right, plus sleep troubles that I started to have around December, to keep her with us. She knew we were right in the room. I didn't have to walk up and down the stairs to the nursery. It just made sense to keep her in the room. I recently overhead a mother of a young baby talk about how she couldn't wait to get her daughter into her nursery and out of their room so that they could sleep better. And I thought, "what, so you could ignore her better in the middle of the night?" What the heck? Yes, keeping Alissa in our room helped us sleep better, because we didn't have to go as far to answer her middle of the night NEEDS, not because it helped us distance ourselves from her.
Needless to say, we kept Alissa in our room for a very long time, moving her finally to her nursery in the crib around 7 and a half months. Despite people saying it would be a difficult transition, it actually went really well. She still wakes at night, but not that I am healed and more confident of my mothering abilities, the extra steps don't bother me.
Now, sometimes I just want to grab her and take her into our bed and snuggle all night, but I really don't trust co-sleeping. In winter, we use multiple heavy blankets, and wouldn't want to risk suffocation; plus I roll a lot, and with a smaller, only standard full bed, there's not a lot of extra space. Perhaps in summer time, or with a larger bed, I might have had a different approach, but it just seemed the risks outweighed the benefits.
(Post-script: I guess what we had been doing WAS technically co-sleeping, since she was in our room. Well, yay! I feel better about myself now :-) )
Choice 5: Cry it Out?
This is probably the most controversial of all mommy issues. Going into mommyhood I assumed this was something you did. Just like the five Ss... things to help the baby adjust to life on their own.
The 5 Ss were great. Swaddling provided the natural comfort of the womb. Shhhushhing mimicked the sound in utero. Sucking is a natural reflex, which is why we were ok with pacis. Swinging also mimicks the movement in the womb. We didn't use the Side/Stomach approach too often, because usually the others worked. Especially having the white noise app, lol. All these things made sense to comfort the baby...
But then how do you get them to stop crying and go to sleep when they are past the first few colicky months? A lot of people out there, a lot of moms swear by various methods of crying it out, whether it is the Ferber method or just direct CIO. For the longest, I assumed that when it was time to "sleep train" we would do one of these methods.
But I just couldn't bring myself to leave her alone to cry. I tried it once for a nap, and it was horrible (and didn't work, she slept 15 minutes).
I began to read about scientific studies that spoke of the cortisol levels in babies. When they cry out of distress, the produce cortisol. Cortisol is a natural way the body deals with stress, but too much of it is bad. So I was very alarmed to read that, in CIO methods, although the baby cries with less time by night 3 or 5 or whatever, the amount of cortisol stays the same. So essentially, the baby gives up. They are still stressed, alone, missing mommy and daddy, but sleep training is essentially teaching them that mommy and daddy are not coming. So yeah, eventually they fall asleep, anyone would. And they sleep out of exhaustion (same as I would after a prolonged cry). But, to me, doing that to a baby that doesn't understand what is going on is horrible! I don't want to teach my child what psychologists would call "learned helplessness".
So how do we get Alissa to fall asleep at night? Sometimes she falls asleep nursing. Sometimes we sit there and hold her hand through the crib until she falls asleep. She looks for us. She wants to know we are there, that we did not abandon her. And I am fine with that. I would rather have her feel protected, safe, content as she falls asleep than feel abandoned, exposed, alone.
Choice 6: Starting Solids
So just like CIO, I assumed starting solids around 4 months was what you did. But then, again, I began to read about how solids affect a baby's tummy. It's not the greatest, especially the oft-recommended first food, rice cereal. It all goes back to Breast is Best for babies. In fact, it is recommended to EBF until 6 months at least. I wanted to do what was best for Alissa and wait 6 months... despite everyone telling me how she "wanted real food" and that "giving her cereal would help her sleep."
I've been feeding Alissa solids for slightly over two months, and guess what, she still wakes up at night. Solids have not made any difference, besides changing her poop habits from once a week to anywhere from 4x a day to once every 2 days. And it hasn't been the easiest transition for her. Nevertheless, she likes her purees, likes to try new food (except green beans so far), and since I make all her food in the Baby Bullet (except for the yogurt), I know exactly what she is getting. It's cheaper and fresher too!
Now whether other babies wait or not 6 months, that is up to their mommies. Some even suggest skipping purees until they can chew, then giving them finger food. I think, as long as they are getting healthy food, then that is what is important. What bothers me is when I see babies being fed junk food. Ick. Way to start healthy habits young - not!
Ok, that's enough of my decisions and judgements for now. I'm sure I'll have more in the future!
